Why Marriage Scares Me
As we keep nearing the date of our wedding, I can’t help but to be a little nervous. I mean, that’s a huge change in one’s life, who wouldn’t be? I’ve been extremely non-chalant about most of the planning, trying my hardest not to be a bride-zilla. I’m also trying to not worry about little details that pertain to the day but instead focus on the marriage itself. However, there have been some things that have been said to me that can’t help but make me a bit scared.
1. They tell me I’m getting married too young. Well, I know plenty of people who are happily married for 20+ years who got married at my age (my mother included!) I know that this isn’t something I should be worried about, but with a culture of divorce, it’s still nerve-wracking! I keep telling people that we’re doing everything we can to have a successful marriage (marriage prep, reading through books, trying to talk about opinions on children, etc.) but I still get told that “none of that matters”. Who wants to think they’re entering a marriage that isn’t going to last?
2. They tell me that we should get a pre-nup. Okay.. what exactly for? Between the two of us, we don’t really own much (except we’ll have a house in a month), but I have such a strong opinion against this. Even if we were older and had more things, it still makes no sense. Why would you go into a marriage thinking it will end? I’ve also heard you have to “protect” your things. I mean, I’m entering into this Sacrament with someone who I love and have to worry about him stealing my stuff? If you think about it that way, doesn’t that sound a bit ridiculous?
3. None of our friends are married. Seriously, it seems like we’re going to be the only ones out of our group of friends. It’s weird, and scary. Are things going to change when we’re married and they’re not? I never really had married friends that I hung out with on a consistent basis. I personally don’t think it’ll change any, but who knows what my friends are going to think!
4. NFP just scares me, period. (That’s kind of like a pun!) I’ve been charting for a few months and have gotten extremely frustrated and now I’m really nervous that I’m going to do it wrong or we’re going to mis-chart or something crazy will happen. Or that something is seriously wrong with me (yes, I still freak out about that). I know I should trust my body and God, but I tend to get nervous about almost absolutely everything.
5. That we don’t know how to fight. I’m not even joking. We’ve been together for 3 years and have hardly fought at all. I know that’s mostly a good thing but I’m so scared for the day that something extremely serious comes up and I won’t know how to handle it. Plus I have a past of well, not fighting the best (or the most respectful). I don’t want to think about us fighting, but I know it’s going to happen sometime!
6. I’m going to have issues with converting. More on this later, but lately, I’ve been really upset about leaving the Lutheran church. When I went home and we went as a family, I was almost in tears thinking that it just wouldn’t be the same after I converted. I know it’ll be nice to be able to go to Mass with Jim and take communion with him, but there’s still a lot that’s with that. I’ll probably write another post about this sometime.
7. That we budgeted wrong. We seriously spent weeks drawing out a budget for us (paying for the house, our cars, my loans, etc.) But I’m so scared that we are going to incur some ridiculous expense and be really screwed. I should trust that we put the right numbers down (especially since most of them we over-shooted just in case), but budgeting is a big deal!
8. That we’re never going to see each other. We only see each other on weekends now, and we both (unfortunately) travel for work. I’m really nervous that we’re going to be that married couple that only gets to see each other on weekends and that is something that I don’t want to be!
I’m assuming most of these things are ridiculous and/or crazy. But I felt like getting it out there because perhaps some of you married ladies (or gentlemen) can tell me a story or just tell me that I’m being irrational.
- Posted in: Wedding
I have to say, I appreciate your honesty. People that go into a marriage thinking everything is going to be perfect are in for a reality check. This is, of course, coming from someone who isn’t married or engaged, but that’s just reality. One thing I can relate to, as far as never seeing each other goes…think about how sweet it will be when you DO see each other. My boyfriend is a pilot and we used to go MONTHS without seeing each other when we first started dating. It just made our relationship that much stronger.
As far as church goes…I’m Catholic (born and raised) so I’ve never had to think about something like converting…if it really does scare you, maybe you should talk to your Lutheran pastor (is that what they’re called?) and your new priest about your fears, worries, concerns and maybe they can guide you to feeling a bit more confident in that decision?
My grandpa is actually a pastor (he’s marrying us!) but I’ve talked to a pastor, a priest, and so many different friends. I’ve wanted to convert for years now but now that it’s getting closer to when I actually will, I’m getting more nervous than anything. I never really was “into” my Lutheran church. I loved going but I never got much out of it. I got a lot out of Mass (I went to a Catholic high school) and I really liked it. but I think it’s just the change that makes me nervous more than anything. But maybe now that I’m feeling like this again I’ll talk to my pastor and priest again.
Thanks so much for your advice!
I think you are fine and perfectly normal to worry about these things. If these are the things you are worried about then you have nothing to worry about. All small problems that can be dealt with. If it makes you feel better Ryan and I don’t see each other much during the week and we don’t travel for work and live together. We just have busy schedules. Sometimes we run together just so we can talk and catch up because we know thats the only time we’ll see each other. On the weekends we make sure to spend time together even if that means not seeing our friends. Our time together as a couple is more important.
If you are going to miss your religion, I wouldn’t switch. I know many couples who convert and then just never go and many who keep seperate religions. Ryan and I are both catholic but we both go to different churches and at different times. I prefer to go early on Sundays and he goes on Saturdays. So even though we have the same religion we rarely go together.
I’ve been going to Mass with Jim a lot (we usually only see each other on weekends) and it’s nice to have that time together. But I don’t know.. when we went for Christmas with my family it made me super sad! But like I said above, I think it’s just the change itself that freaks me out. I’ve only known the Lutheran church for my whole life, and Catholicism is so different! I think I’m going to talk to the priest next time we have marriage prep about it.
) You’re right, couple time is extremely important. I’m hoping we don’t have to travel too much, but it’s something that we’re going to have to work through.
I do also really like running together with Jim (even though I feel like I slow him down
I think the fact that you are actually thinking about these things is a great sign! I think most marriages fail because the people don’t make each other a priority. Marriage is work – you have to try every day to make it work as does your hubby to be. It doesn’t just magically happen.
I completely agree. I’m one of those people who are extremely scared of change and I think that’s what’s making me so nervous!
Thanks for being the guinea pig!
I don’t think any of these thoughts are irrational at all! I think it’s really healthy to be open about stuff like this; I’d be more worried for you if you weren’t having these thoughts. As to #3, I do hope it doesn’t change things for the negative. Maybe it will help get rid of the “third wheel” syndrome I feel sometimes? Maybe it will make it worse? All I know is that you are both very dear friends to me, and I’m so excited for you both!
I hope it doesn’t make it worse! I’m sorry you feel that way sometimes
Marriage is a scary, big deal – and it’s also the best decision you will ever make! Marriage is hard work, but it is also the most joyful work you’ll ever do. I don’t say these to just “cheer you up” or as cliches, rather to encourage you that you have a right to be nervous, and scared, and to assure you that the joy is more than you can imagine.
A few responses for you:
. But from the moment of our engagement at 23 and 26, we were planning our life and it’s been so worth it!
1 – I think this is a misguided notion of our culture that one must “have it all” before marrying. Instead of planning to build a life together, our culture says we must merge two lives. Personally, I think a marriage that is building one life together rather than trying to mesh two “established” lives has a much better foundation. Not to say that it can’t work the other way – each will have it’s own challenges – but what an awesome opportunity to build a life together. The Man and I got married at 25 and 28, a year later than we would’ve liked, but living on opposite coasts made wedding planning a bit challenging
2 – First, pre-nups are almost immediate grounds for a Decress of Nullity should the marriage not “work.” What does that tell you? That what you said is right on about “Why would you go into a marriage thinking it won’t work out?” – that’s what a pre-nup says, “just in case this doesn’t work.” Entering into the Sacrament of marriage you are promising it’s gonna work – no matter what, therefore, no pre-nup required
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3 – things might change and that’s OK. Life changes, and so do the way we interact with our friends. We are the only one of our friends without kids right now, and it’s challenging, but we’ve found ways to make it work. We were the last of our friends to marry, and we made that work. Be patient and gentle with yourselves and honest with your friends
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4 – Take it from the person who followed the rules the most conservatively of any couple that a teaching couple friends of ours (who’ve been teaching for over 40 years) have EVER seen. I hear ya – NFP can be scary. It will be easier when you are doing it together and talking about it. And if you ever need anything, you know where to find me
. As far as a body not working correctly, well, it sucks, but if it is your path, it will bring beautiful gifts into your life you never expected. I promise!
5 – One of the presentations I give at pre-cana weekends is on fighting, and setting ground rules. Maybe set some ground rules for the future fight (that will come). And even though The Man and I were great fighters, it wasn’t until we really opened our hearts to our faith that we learned to be good arguers and work it out. One piece of advice: when you do fight, don’t take all the baggage to your family and friends, sure, asking a trusted friend for advice is one thing, but you have the grace of your sacrament to help you forgive Jim, your best friend doesn’t
(and the same goes for him!).
6 – You’ve got two huge changes coming – it’s good to be nervous and struggle with them both. It means you’re taking them seriously. I think the idea to talk with a priest is a great one!
7 – You could budget perfectly or horribly, and if the big expense is going to come, it’s going to come. Money can be tough, but what’s most important is that you manage money in accordance with YOUR values, not in keeping up with the Joneses or what the TV says. If you do this, even when the big expense comes, you’ll be OK. I promise this too. Even if the worst happens, you will be OK (read my archives, The Man and I filed for bankruptcy over 3 years ago.)
8 – My travel schedule is crazy too – but we’ve found a way to make it work. Sometimes we do only see each other on weekends, which means we make the most of those weekends. We don’t schedule other things and we reconnect. Yes, it might mean less time with friends, but our marriage comes first and it has worked for us. It will be easier when you are actually livng under the same roof and working on it “for real.” Scheduling isn’t really something you can do without trial and error.
All this to say – I’m praying for you and it will all be worth all these worries – I promise!
Would it help you to know that these are all totally normal fears and worries?
1.) You’re going into marriage older than I was — I was 2 months shy of my 22nd birthday so I heard “you’re too young!!!!!!!!!!!!” so frequently. People told me that I needed to find myself, backpack through Europe, etc. My response was that I married the guy who knew all the great places to go in Europe.
2.) Rebecca touched on this one. If they weren’t against the rules in the Church, I’d tell you that you would only need one if you had something like your own corporation or a trust or something. Two kids out of college don’t need one.
3.) We were the first of my friends married. We were in seminary so it was actually cool — a whole bunch of newlyweds, single students, and everything in between. The hard part was that we moved for Jon’s internship 5 months later and there was nobody my age to hang out with — all the women were old enough to be my mom or grandmother and it’s only been this parish where people have treated me like a peer.
4.) I’m still learning how to do it so I’m not much help. I will tell you, however, that understanding the way your cycle works and how your body works will be really helpful when you’re pregnant because you’ll be able to tell what should be normal and what isn’t. As someone whose life was saved because she picked up on something not being normal, I can’t stress the importance of that enough. Having been through various iterations of the Pill and the patch, I can tell you that NFP is where it’s at.
5.) Believe me, you’ll learn.
One tip I can give you is not to take passage about not letting the sun go down on your anger literally. *NOTHING* looks good at 1 a.m. and sometimes it’s better to just go to sleep and deal with things in the morning when you both aren’t exhausted.
6.) Change is hard, no matter in which direction it’s going. I think in some ways you’re going to be a better Catholic because you chose the faith and you’re owning it rather than just being raised it and having it in a cultural context. You’re also not the first Lutheran to marry a Catholic — we had a parish full of them in Montana and it made First Communions really fun in Jon’s parish because the families with the Lutheran-Catholic unions went all out for them. (Seriously, they were awesome.) A part of you is always going to be Lutheran no matter where you happen to be kneeling and that’s OK. It’s a necessary part of your journey with Christ.
7.) There will *always* be expenses that come up that aren’t in the budget. It’s the nature of things. I wouldn’t know half of what I do about getting medical bills paid off if I hadn’t had an ovarian cyst in my 11th month of marriage that insurance didn’t cover.
8.) You’ll find ways to make it work. It might be that you get frequent flier miles and get to take awesome vacations or you plan a special midweek lunch date or whatever. When we lived in Montana, Jon used to have prison Bible studies on Wednesday afternoons so we’d meet for dinner in town at Subway when I got off work. Right now, date night isn’t an option because of the Daniel situation so we have “date breakfast” on Friday mornings when Daniel is in school.
I’ve been married for almost 11 years and have been through moves, pregnancy, a critically ill child (three times), a special needs kid, two toxic parishes, deaths in both sides of the family, and everything else. We have three great role models in terms of marriages: my parents (41 years now), my in-laws (almost 40 years), and my grandparents (just short of 63 years). My grandparents got married during World War II, my grandfather was a pilot (gone for days during the week), and raised 4 kids in the midst of it all. If you love each other, you’ll find ways to make it work.
I may have a book for you two. After your wedding hit me up and I’ll get it to you. It really will shed some light on what a Godly marriage is like. It has helped Jason and I in some of the same things you mentioned.
Keep Praying. Trust Him more and more. In God’s time, He makes things beautiful! Listen and enjoy to the song below:
On #5 I was talking to someone not to long ago about my parents. They kept asking me what I did when my parents fought. I told them I never remember them fighting and they told me I was LYING!! I asked my mom about it and she’s like no we really didn’t argue and we def. didn’t do it in front of our kids! So it happens